depopulated:

inf-oh mercy

Posted in ad-aware, music, wtf by eddie on February 15, 2009

I’ll never tire of infomercials. They’re the bookends of our TV days, the colorful dead air space of AMAZING OFFERS and THAT’S NOT ALL and CAPITAL LETTER EXCLAMATIONS! where we find out about the products we never knew we needed (because we don’t), where we wonder “Where the hell are these people dialing 1-800 numbers at 3 a.m. buying tubes of Mighty Putty?”

Why should we trust any ad if it takes them over an hour to convince us this putty is worth our time?

I don’t seem to watch much T.V. anymore, so it’s a good thing that there’s a new wave of entrepreneurial swagger on the internet, where it’s even harder to grab our attention.

If you’re not avoiding the “PRESIDENT OBAMA’S IQ IS 125? WHAT’S URS?” or “DO YOU LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT? Y/N” e-seizures, you’ll find buried gems like this:

HEY IDIOT GET SMARTER DUMBFUCK

HEY U IDIOT CLICK HERE DUMASS

Yes, believe it! Wisdom, fortitude, glistening abs and a mastodonic penis IN 6 MINUTES, STARTING THIS INSTANT! Slicker than Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney selling snake oil.

yes-yes-i-do

Wait, so you’re telling me that morning Yanni sessions don’t already make my IQ shoot up like fireworks on the 4th of July?  How about the 5th of July? Labor Day?

q1a

DAMMIT, Peterson! I’m sitting here like a helpless shitstain waiting to be amazed and you continue to daze. What with the heavy speech impediment and the syndrome or what-have-you. I want to be knocked on my ASS by your brain waves. You know, I’m pretty sure that–”

q1b1

Ohhhhhhhhhhh.

Don’t believe it? Suit yourself, dumbass. Anthony Sampson, a doctor you will never meet and who probably doesn’t exist, scoffs at your naivete.sampson

So you see, cognition is measured by varying levels of blade sharpness, starting at the plastic butter knife. Dr. Sampson is a prodigy case so it’d be foolish for one to assume such an early leap to Ginsu, but count on at least upgrading to metal butter knife in that timeframe. It’s kinda like the black belt system in karate.  Mmkay? Just kick back, put on a nipple-tight beater and bask in your genius.

relax

mmmmmOHHHHHHmyGODD my BRAIN FEELS SO FUCKING GOOD

So wtf are you waiting for? Sit on your ass and get smarter right now.

Fellatio sold separately.

Fellatio sold separately.

Yours Truly,

The Internet

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