depopulated:

your semi-weekly juggalo update

Posted in juggalo beat, wtf by eddie on April 7, 2009

utah_90

We noted in an in-house Phoenix advertisement that 15% of the 3-4,000 Juggalos in Utah (!) have been affiliated with crime, a statistic since deleted from the “Crimes attributed to juggalos” section of the juggalo Wikipedia page. Could this mean someone in government is a high-ranking juggalo? My money’s on North Carolina Gov. Bev Perdue. She’s already got the creepy clown thing going on.

Sadly, another one of our Dark Carnival bros has walked the tightrope between good, clean fun and, well… grotesque medieval battle-axe murder. And it’s in Salt Lake City again!:

A 22-year-old Juggalo gang member was sent to prison for three years to life Friday for attacking a Kearns teenager with a medieval battle ax last summer.

Scott Tyler Stapley was convicted by a 3rd District Court jury in January of first-degree felony attempted murder for his part in attacking 17-year-old Justin Ennis.

Stapley wielded a four-bladed warrior axe with a spiky ball attached.

Co-defendant Cody Jesse Augustine, 21, who is awaiting trial, allegedly stabbed the victim several times with a knife.

“This ain’t World o’ Warcraft–this is real as it gets / I gotta four-bladed warrior axe with a spiky ball attached mothafucka, dont u eh-errrr 4get!”

You gotta hand it to the mercy of Mormon courts–they give a hopeful juggalo executioner some sentencing leeway, promising anywhere from “three years to life.” I’m not entirely sure Joseph Smith believed the Middle Ages ever happened, so that could explain the confusion.

And it gets more wonderful:

Stapley defense attorneys claimed at trial that Ennis was targeted outside his home in the early morning hours of July 29 because he supposedly had passed a sexually transmitted disease to a girl whom Augustine later slept with.

A tip for you randy clown sexers out there: Question your painted lady BEFORE you remove her chain wallet and JNCOs. Burning sensations / battle axe to face may occur.

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