depopulated:

do you know this man?

Posted in ad-aware by eddie on April 6, 2009

I really still don’t know the marketing strategy behind these “HAY BTW THIS DUMBSHIT’S IQ IS 122! ARE YOU SMARTER THAN THIS DUMBASS?” quiz advertisements.  Are we really all that vain to need to assure ourselves we’re smarter than Simon Cowell? I just picture some nard in Toledo taking 25 minutes from his Excel spreadsheet charting bristles in a hairbrush to answer SAT questions, only to throw his arms up in victory upon completion with the documented proof that yes, an outdated, scientifically inaccurate test of intelligence he found on the Internet proves he is smarter than a celebrity, 94% of whom are COMPLETELY STUPID in the first place.

The banner I found today though put a dark spin on the trend:

What a delightfully average day!

What a delightfully average day!

“WANTED: Positively mediocre looking man in every single way. Must possess strongly middling qualities and a keen desire not to succeed. Baldness preferred, but not required.  Must be willing to have goofy, punchable smile. Will become poster child for the mundane, lightless vortex of American aspiration to become nothing in particular.”

Was this man notified that for thousands of Internet citizens he would become the benchmark for pedestrian?

And who in the hell would want to take this test? At least the nard in Toledo gets five seconds of morbid pleasure before crying into his Dilbert mug. This is a test to prove you’re not below average, meaning your final reaction, at most, is a sigh of relief.

Internet, you win again.

crab people

Posted in ad-aware by eddie on February 23, 2009

There’s plenty to be terrified of when it comes to Facebook’s razor-sharp ad targeting, but I can sleep assured knowing that no one has been hired to stake out my tagged photos for a sense of my flannel fashion tastes.  Or maybe they’re just trying to send a message? Observe:

metroTheir manly manifesto:

A metrosexual: is a modern, usually single man who is cool, smart, attractive, taking care of his appearance, cultured and up to date with the latest styles, that confuses some guys when it comes to his sexuality. But he’s so secure in his masculinity that he doesn’t care.

Riveting, and most definitely plucked from the latest Webster’s. And thank the Lawd-Jesus, you won’t need a translation dictionary if you’re a gringo confused by their title–it’s right in the logo!:

metrologo

understanding understandrap.com

Posted in ad-aware, interview, music by eddie on February 19, 2009

A bit ago we marveled in snarky disbelief at the existence of UnderstandRap.com, whose ad on Facebook seemed more fitting for an AARP newsletter.  But unlike some of our bloggy brethren, the journalists in us felt it unreasonable to leave the post as a hit-and-run affair.  We chatted with Bill Buckholz, the 28-year-old proprietor of UnderstandRap, who was nice enough to talk to us at length about his motivations behind the site, the rap scene in Seattle, parents making things uncool and why Katie Couric sucks.

PHOENIX DIVERSIONS: I can only surmise that you’re big fan of rap—or are you?

BILL BUCKHOLZ: I wouldn’t say I’m the most knowledgeable person about rap. I feel like I know a little bit more than the average person, but I haven’t always listened to rap music. For the most part I’ve been into other types of music. I’ve always been aware of rap and I’ve liked a lot of rap—I wouldn’t say I’m a huge fan though.

P: What kind of artists in particular? Anyone that you’ve enjoyed over the years?

B: Probably the first artist that I really got into and really liked was Outkast. I really enjoyed a lot of their music. I thought a lot of it was pretty clever, good sound. Somewhat meaningful lyrics, at times. Lately I’ve listened to a lot of –I got [Lil Wayne’s] Tha Carter III, of course. Saw him when he came to Seattle. I’ll be seeing the Game at the end of the month. Big fan of T.I., Lupe Fiasco, people like that.

P: You said you’re from Seattle, and I don’t think there’s much of a rap scene up there, is there?

B: [Laughs] There’s really not. Lil Wayne played at Key Arena, kind of an interesting crowd there—pretty diverse, all sorts of different backgrounds there. There’s not really a local scene at all for it. There really doesn’t seem to be that much interest from the city as a whole, at least not that I’ve seen in the years that I’ve been out here.

P: I feel like the only rap artist I know from Seattle is Sir Mix-A-Lot.

B: [Laughs] Yeah, I can’ t think of any major rap acts from the past several years that have been from here.

(more…)

inf-oh mercy

Posted in ad-aware, music, wtf by eddie on February 15, 2009

I’ll never tire of infomercials. They’re the bookends of our TV days, the colorful dead air space of AMAZING OFFERS and THAT’S NOT ALL and CAPITAL LETTER EXCLAMATIONS! where we find out about the products we never knew we needed (because we don’t), where we wonder “Where the hell are these people dialing 1-800 numbers at 3 a.m. buying tubes of Mighty Putty?”

Why should we trust any ad if it takes them over an hour to convince us this putty is worth our time?

I don’t seem to watch much T.V. anymore, so it’s a good thing that there’s a new wave of entrepreneurial swagger on the internet, where it’s even harder to grab our attention.

If you’re not avoiding the “PRESIDENT OBAMA’S IQ IS 125? WHAT’S URS?” or “DO YOU LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT? Y/N” e-seizures, you’ll find buried gems like this:

HEY IDIOT GET SMARTER DUMBFUCK

HEY U IDIOT CLICK HERE DUMASS

Yes, believe it! Wisdom, fortitude, glistening abs and a mastodonic penis IN 6 MINUTES, STARTING THIS INSTANT! Slicker than Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney selling snake oil.

yes-yes-i-do

Wait, so you’re telling me that morning Yanni sessions don’t already make my IQ shoot up like fireworks on the 4th of July?  How about the 5th of July? Labor Day?

(more…)

ad-aware: the reckoning

Posted in ad-aware, music by eddie on February 8, 2009

Turns out there was no use trying to be funny by making up my own questions for the concerned company from my previous post, whose tagline (“Rap music won’t be confusing anymore.”) reads like every sympathetic late-morning advertisement for old people you see during “The Price is Right” commercial breaks. These are the real deal: