depopulated:

your semi-weekly juggalo update

Posted in juggalo beat, wtf by eddie on April 7, 2009

utah_90

We noted in an in-house Phoenix advertisement that 15% of the 3-4,000 Juggalos in Utah (!) have been affiliated with crime, a statistic since deleted from the “Crimes attributed to juggalos” section of the juggalo Wikipedia page. Could this mean someone in government is a high-ranking juggalo? My money’s on North Carolina Gov. Bev Perdue. She’s already got the creepy clown thing going on.

Sadly, another one of our Dark Carnival bros has walked the tightrope between good, clean fun and, well… grotesque medieval battle-axe murder. And it’s in Salt Lake City again!:

A 22-year-old Juggalo gang member was sent to prison for three years to life Friday for attacking a Kearns teenager with a medieval battle ax last summer.

Scott Tyler Stapley was convicted by a 3rd District Court jury in January of first-degree felony attempted murder for his part in attacking 17-year-old Justin Ennis.

Stapley wielded a four-bladed warrior axe with a spiky ball attached.

Co-defendant Cody Jesse Augustine, 21, who is awaiting trial, allegedly stabbed the victim several times with a knife.

“This ain’t World o’ Warcraft–this is real as it gets / I gotta four-bladed warrior axe with a spiky ball attached mothafucka, dont u eh-errrr 4get!”

You gotta hand it to the mercy of Mormon courts–they give a hopeful juggalo executioner some sentencing leeway, promising anywhere from “three years to life.” I’m not entirely sure Joseph Smith believed the Middle Ages ever happened, so that could explain the confusion.

And it gets more wonderful:

Stapley defense attorneys claimed at trial that Ennis was targeted outside his home in the early morning hours of July 29 because he supposedly had passed a sexually transmitted disease to a girl whom Augustine later slept with.

A tip for you randy clown sexers out there: Question your painted lady BEFORE you remove her chain wallet and JNCOs. Burning sensations / battle axe to face may occur.

cast no shadow

Posted in music, wtf by eddie on March 30, 2009

Leisure pursuits.

As my insightful roommate put it: Has there been a news story involving Liam or Noel Gallagher in the past 10 years that hasn’t been absolutely ridiculous?

Taking a break from slandering reputed acts in British rags, brother Liam was summoned to Twitter-deny reports that he can be seen in a Google Earth image relaxing outside his favorite restaurant in London, his pasty legs crossed, pointing furiously at the Google camera car. Perhaps most jarring is that CNN finds this front page news. Check out their QUICK HITS for this momentous Tweet–I picture a medieval waif of a messenger boy breathless from sprinting to the king to report these key facts:

  • STORY HIGHLIGHTS
  • Oasis frontman Liam Gallagher denies Google Earth appearance
  • Fans said man captured on camera drinking outside London pub was singer
  • Gallagher said the man was too embarrassingly dressed to be him

your weekly juggalo update

Posted in juggalo beat, video, wtf by eddie on February 16, 2009

You’ll have to forgive me for my fascination with the seedy, painted underbelly of pop culture, the Juggalos; it could have to do with the fact I just finished a 2-liter of Faygo Moon Mist.

The Internet so indiscriminately and generously giveth: There are subcultures that probably would have trouble surviving without the Internet, or at least would have little growth or assembly potential.  Many of these groups are benevolent and righteous or at least innocuous. But Lord Internet knows no concept of “taketh.”

And then there were Juggalos.

Thankfully, the Internet also provides the opportunity for Juggalo conspiracy theorists to polish their craft.  Take this scathing example:

Come to think of it, I can’t really tell if the director is trying to criticize the Juggalos or stake a proud claim.  Whatever the case, the ensuing discourse roundly rejects any such riffraff:

jugg

nbc_the_more_you_know

inf-oh mercy

Posted in ad-aware, music, wtf by eddie on February 15, 2009

I’ll never tire of infomercials. They’re the bookends of our TV days, the colorful dead air space of AMAZING OFFERS and THAT’S NOT ALL and CAPITAL LETTER EXCLAMATIONS! where we find out about the products we never knew we needed (because we don’t), where we wonder “Where the hell are these people dialing 1-800 numbers at 3 a.m. buying tubes of Mighty Putty?”

Why should we trust any ad if it takes them over an hour to convince us this putty is worth our time?

I don’t seem to watch much T.V. anymore, so it’s a good thing that there’s a new wave of entrepreneurial swagger on the internet, where it’s even harder to grab our attention.

If you’re not avoiding the “PRESIDENT OBAMA’S IQ IS 125? WHAT’S URS?” or “DO YOU LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT? Y/N” e-seizures, you’ll find buried gems like this:

HEY IDIOT GET SMARTER DUMBFUCK

HEY U IDIOT CLICK HERE DUMASS

Yes, believe it! Wisdom, fortitude, glistening abs and a mastodonic penis IN 6 MINUTES, STARTING THIS INSTANT! Slicker than Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney selling snake oil.

yes-yes-i-do

Wait, so you’re telling me that morning Yanni sessions don’t already make my IQ shoot up like fireworks on the 4th of July?  How about the 5th of July? Labor Day?

(more…)

Revisionist History

Posted in FML, wtf by Trevor on February 12, 2009
David Cameron was caught altering a Wikipedia article to win an arguement.

David Cameron was caught altering a Wikipedia article to win an argument.

More evidence for professors to cite when they tell you not to use Wikipedia: Tory leader David Cameron was caught altering the wikipedia entry on the painter Titian to win an argument with the Prime Minister of England about how old he was when he died.

From the Telegraph:

The argument was sparked last month when Mr Brown used an anecdote about the artist to explain the financial crisis.

Speaking at the World Economic Forum in Davos, he said: “I’m reminded of the story of Titian, who’s the great painter who reached the age of 90, finished the last of his nearly 100 brilliant paintings, and he said at the end of it, ‘I’m finally beginning to learn how to paint,’ and that is where we are.”

The remarks were much-mocked at the time, and yesterday Mr Cameron got a big laugh at PMQs by suggesting they showed Mr Brown never got his facts right.

“You told us the other day you were like Titian aged 90. The fact is Titian died at 86,” he said.

Initially Wikipedia is believed to have recorded the artist as having died at 90.

But in the aftermath of the exchanges, an overzealous Conservative staffer altered the the online encyclopaedia to try to prove his leader right.

At 12.34pm, Titian’s date of death was altered from 27 August 1576 to 27 August 1572.

Numerous changes have been made since, which can be tracked with software on the site. The argument is unlikely to be resolved, because academics have never been able to agree on Titian’s exact lifespan.

FML

The Force

Posted in video, wtf by Trevor on February 12, 2009

Jorge Luis Borges wrote a story called “Tlon, Uqbar, Orbis Tertius,” which you can (and should) read here, in 1940. In it, he discovers a vast conspiracy in which a small group of people create a fictional world — complete with its own history, language and philosophy — and work it slowly into the mainstream via encyclopedias. Eventually, as more and more people discover Tlon and Uqbar, the fictional history begins to meld with the real, and impossible artifacts described in the encyclopedia begin to turn up in real life.

Star Wars, I’ve been noticing lately, has done the same thing. Lucas’ vastly influential space opera (whatever that means, I just like the term) has spawned an absurdly intricate “expanded universe” that abides by a certain contingent and detailed history created by a large number of authors. The Star Wars universe has its own rules of what can happen in it, its own languages, it’s own moral, political, philosophical systems. And, lately, it’s been popping up in real life.

A Wired blog points out that architect Rem Koolhaas has designed a death star for the UAE:

The design has not yet been selected (and how could it be?) but just the idea that some dude (however influential he might be) would think that a country would like to buy a death star for a building is pretty audacious.

Life Without Buildings notices that a certain Tunisian hotel looks an awful lot like a sandcrawler:

Hotel du Lac, Tunisia

Hotel du Lac, Tunisia, and a sandcrawler

Online magazine Triple Canopy has an absolutely fascinating (if kind of brainy and obtuse) study of Star Wars and Modernism, in which they compare a lot of different modern art and design to the space opera aesthetic.

Also, just because it’s awesome, check out Disney’s 1979 Star Wars rip-off (or, um, you know, “space opera”), The Black Hole:

and if you’re not planning on watching the actual movie (why would you?) peep Disney’s pseudo-religious/totally trippy vision of what happens at the event horizon

Fan Videos.

Posted in video, wtf by kalbing on February 9, 2009

Fan videos allow for a visceral, public expression of adoration for people we’ve never met, or, more often, don’t actually exist. (ex: Edward Cullen.)

My favorite fan-videos are those that feature President Barack Obama; in particular, music montages, more particular, psyched-out mind-blowing fan video montages.

I won’t get into the psychological/cultural/societal implications of this music video. I leave that to the experts.

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ad-aware

Posted in music, video, wtf by eddie on February 7, 2009

I feel like Facebook’s ads are the logical step before we get the scary eye-scanning interactive ads that know our names from Minority Report. Terrifyingly knowledgeable of my darkest secrets. Take this one, for example:

Are you white and above the age of 40?

Read: "Are you white and above the age of 45?"

A sampling of questions:

  • Who’s that black fellow from Law & Order?
  • Just what are these “rubber bands” Mr. T.I. speaks of so highly?
  • Why do they have to use so many curse words?

By the way, if you needed any more evidence that globalization is alive and well, I present you this. (Skip to about a minute in.)

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